Posts Tagged ‘mcsweeneys’

“‘Recess.’ As if we’re in elementary school. Wow, remember, like, kickball?”

November 19th, 2007 by Jeff Knapp

Imagined Monologue: “An Inarticulate, Self-Consciously Ironic Voice of His Twentysomething Generation Makes an Opening Statement for His Client in a Corporate-Fraud Case.

Over the next few weeks, the prosecution is going to trot out a lot of so-called “experts” and “witnesses” and “my bitter ex-girlfriends”—kidding! Except how crazy if Kelly or Jennifer actually did come in and was like, “You should totally vote guilty…”? Anyway, I urge you to ignore them as you would a call on your cell from your parents badgering you about getting a real job, until you finally go to law school more out of resentment and desperation than any real desire to study the justice system and make a difference, even though, sure, given the choice of making a difference or not, I’d take the former, but still …”

“One word, people: Synergize.”

November 6th, 2007 by Jeff Knapp

Imagined Monologue: “My Workplace Eulogy, as Given by My Boss, in Office Jargon.

“… It has been said you’re either an assister or a resister. Eric Feezell was the former, and needed to meet his early demise like I need a hole in the head. Of the bananas we’ve got, he was definitely more of the green variety, still fairly new to the ways of things. Irregardless, he will be greatly missed.”